Violence and Abuse

WOMEN WHO LIVE WITH ABUSE MAY:

feel shameful and may want to keep the abuse secret
feel like they are crazy and that there is something wrong within themselves
feel powerless to change or improve their situation
fear of reprisal from the abuser
doubt their own judgement or wonder if they are to blame
find they are unable to express an opinion in front of their partner
have to ask permission to spend money, see friends, and feel afraid of the response
feel increasingly depressed, trapped, and powerless

 

WHY WOMEN STAY IN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS:

lack of affordable housing
no one will believe her about the abuse
fear of losing their children
false belief that they will loose everything if they leave the home
knowledge that the law gives them little protection
false belief that they are responsible for the abuse
fear of poverty without his income
fear of continued violence against themselves or other family members
he's not abusive all the time
false belief that things will get better after the birth of a child
he says he's sorry and won't do it again
false belief that he's a good father despite the children hearing or witnessing his abuse
still love their partner
partner's threats of suicide if she leaves
that she can change him
that if she just does what she's told, everything will be alright
isolation from family and friends

 

 

IT IS IMPORTANT FOR YOU TO HAVE A SAFETY PLAN

There are many agencies and services set up to help you, but you must take the first steps:

Click here to locate  your local THANS member organization. 
Call the police or 911.
If you are hurt, go to a doctor or hospital emergency. Ask for a copy of the medical report and photographs of your injuries.  Pack an emergency bag and include your important papers and leave it with someone you trust.
Seek informed legal advice about your rights regarding property, maintenance, and custody.

For more information on a Safety Plan, click here.

 

AM I TO BLAME FOR THE VIOLENCE?

Absolutely not! There is no place for violence in any relationship at any time.  It is never justified.

Abusers often blame other people or things for their violence, such their children, frustration, work pressures, or their own upbringing.  Many abusers say their partner provokes them to be violent.

 

NO ONE CAN CAUSE ANOTHER PERSON TO BE VIOLENT

Your partner makes choices about how to respond to you or to his own frustrations.  Violence can only make matters worse, since it always hurts you and creates a climate of fear and mistrust.

 

MYTH: DRINKING OR DRUGS CAUSE MY PARTNER TO BE VIOLENT

No! While some people are abusive only after they have been drinking, this does not mean the alcohol causes the violence. It just makes it easier to avoid taking responsibility for the violence. In other words, the drinking gives a convenient excuse to say, 'It wasn't me. It was the alcohol.' When someone over-drinks and is violent, there are two problems to take responsibility for - drinking and violence.

 

WHAT IF MY PARTNER IS SORRY?

Many people who abuse their spouse or partner are sorry about it afterwards.   This doesn't mean they will stop being violence. In fact guilt and remorse are part of what is known as the cycle of violence.

 

WHAT IS THE 'CYCLE OF VIOLENCE'?

 

 

 

 

 

The Cycle of Violence has Five Constants:

1 People use their cycle of violence to gain and maintain control over their partner.

2 This cycle won’t stop unless the person being violent decides to stop it.

3 The cycle gets more dangerous and violent over time.

4 The cycle gets faster and eventually, the hearts and flowers or “honeymoon” phase disappears completely, leaving the violence uninterrupted and continuous.

5 If the violent partner doesn’t stop this cycle it may result in further abuse, separation, criminal charges, suicide and/or homicide.

 

 

 

I HAVE A RIGHT:

not to be abused
to freedom from fear of abuse
to request and expect assistance from the police and social agencies
to leave an abusive environment
to privacy
to legally prosecute my abusing spouse
not to be perfect